Positive Stress: A Secret Ingredient to Building Self-Esteem

For many parents, watching their child struggle or experience discomfort can trigger a powerful emotional response. I remember being a brand new mom and taking my son to his very first pediatrician appointment. When he started to cry after receiving a vaccine, I felt so upset that I burst into tears right along with him. If it had been an option, I would have happily had the nurse give me the shot so he didn’t have to suffer. I’m sure many of us have had similar experiences because as parents, we are hardwired to want to shield our children from distress. 

But just as that vaccine was necessary to keep my son healthy, enduring some stressors is actually an essential ingredient to growth and development. Experts call this “positive stress,” which for young children is defined as short-lived, mild to moderate challenges with the presence of supportive adults to help them through it. Many routine transitions of early childhood fall into the category of positive stress such as staying with a babysitter or sharing a toy with a peer, and, of course, starting a new school year. It can be heart-wrenching for a parent to walk away from a child sobbing in their classroom or to drive away knowing they are crying in the drop off line. The urge to rescue them from their discomfort is strong and comes with the best of intentions. But doing so can inadvertently send the message that we don’t believe they are capable of handling the situation or feelings they are facing. 

When young children experience and work through these challenging moments, they are growing the muscles needed to develop resilience, confidence and life-long coping skills. 

Here are some ways we can support them: 

Validate their feelings without intensifying them. 

In a classroom last year, a teacher was passing out colored scarves for an activity. Some children immediately called out the specific color they wanted to receive. Knowing that she wouldn’t be able to satisfy everyone’s wishes, the teacher thoughtfully said, “When I hand out the scarves, you may not get the one you are hoping for, and that might feel hard. But we can do hard things together. We can still have a great time with the scarves even if you wish yours was a different color.” Similarly, when a child is experiencing the stress of separating from a caregiver at drop off, it is an opportunity to assure them, “It’s okay to feel nervous but I know you can do it and will find lots of fun things to do in your classroom.” Children feed off of the energy of their trusted grown-ups. When we express confidence that they are safe and will be okay, we can help them understand that uncomfortable feelings are temporary. 

Resist the urge to jump in and fix things right away. 

Part of acknowledging the feelings is also giving children time to feel them. When we rush the process by offering an endless stream of distractions or promises, young children can often feel overwhelmed. During drop off one morning, a teacher comforted a child who felt really sad about separating from their grown-ups. “You are having some big feelings,” she offered. “We don’t have to go into the classroom right away. We can sit out here together until you feel ready.” With her comforting presence, and a few quiet moments to settle, the child was able to calm down and enter the classroom feeling ready for the day. In the same manner, families can use time in the drop off loop to prepare for the transition. “It is really hard to say goodbye, and I will miss you too. We have a moment before the teacher opens our door, so let's take a deep breath and hold hands now so we are ready when she comes.” Or for a younger child, something even simpler: “When we get to the classroom door, I will give you a hug and say goodbye. I can’t wait to see you at pick up.” 

Praise the effort. 

Being brave isn’t the same thing as being fearless. On the playground this week, a teacher encouraged a child who was hesitant to try the monkey bars. She observed the child lingering near the monkey bars, watching other children go across and asked if they would like to take a turn. The child shook their head and ran off to another area of the playground. The next day, a similar sequence occurred but this time the child climbed up the step and reached up for the bars. They hung for a moment before dropping down to the ground. “Today you felt ready to try,” the teacher exclaimed. “I know you weren’t so sure but you felt brave enough to try. High five for trying something new!” Likewise, families can praise the effort they see their children making. “I know your tummy felt icky this morning at drop off but you gave me a hug and went with your teacher. That was brave and you can do brave things!” When we notice and celebrate small wins, young children build real pride and self-confidence.

Navigating difficult transitions and tolerating uncomfortable feelings are a part of life at any age. By validating big feelings, making room for them to process and cheering their successes, we give young children a chance to learn just how brave and capable they can be. 

Let’s keep learning together,

Andrea